The Days that have been dark.

 

These are the days where we face the reality of death. Day in and out, you hear about death, you see someone dies, you mourn with someone who has lost a loved one. Your mind is basically being conditioned about death on a daily basis. It drains out that strong emotion that you console yourself every other day but it just isn’t enough. Your sleeps get disturb and never something you look forward to, even if you are tired. There is so many uncertainties, there is so many what if. 

Dear Lord, when will all this come to an end? Is this the tribulation that you were talking about? Is this the end of the days? Everyday the thought runs through the mind, will I be strong and courage enough to cross the river? What awaits me? Will you hold my hand in this storm and chaos?

 

Despite these dark days, when I hear your word, when I hear your praise, this heart of mind comes to a state of peace. This gives me the assurance that I can face tomorrow, knowing that you are real, knowing that you are alive and your word is the truth. You have been through every single feeling and emotion that we are going through when you were on the way to the cross. You have gone through the agony that we are facing and certainly has showed the way. Your name gives us Hope, a hope that no one else can give. Thank you for opening our eyes and reminding us that you are a true and living God who has never once failed us and you will certainly not fail us tomorrow, next week or the times that are coming.

 

Hello there buddy..

 I just wanted to post something to keep this page alive. Probably it is a good time to consider writing more contents here. Anyways that all from me for today. 

I fell in love with a Street Girl

In the midst of the tense moment, I needed this break. Caught in between the world of fantasy and reality. At the age where you just need the love and care from someone.

Let me rewind a few months or days. I was constantly being friend-zone and could not find anyone to trust and to really be with. Every girl that was in my life at the time was only in my life for a reason or a benefit which they could rip from me. I kept searching and searching for an answer as to what is wrong and where did I screw up, but there is just no answer to all my question. I also found myself being dumped or only used when the girls were bored or got nothing to do.

I was most hurt when someone I trusted and thought was the most different from others would not end up the same way as other girls treated me. Sorry to say, she was no different as well. When I needed her, she just disappeared using the excuse that she is busy and had to concentrate on her own growth.

All this hurt was kept in me and buried within myself. I had to release it out. On my last day of my vacation, I met someone. She was a beauty queen. She was stunning till it made me star struck. I was exposed and fragile, but she accepted who I was. She giggled at my flaws but did not reject me. She stood there looking at me as if I was her love of her life. I know that she would not be long in my life, but she gave me the hope that someone would want me and could stand together with me and love me till time part us.

I remember how she looked into my eyes and told me that I was not like that other people that she has met before, but I was different and someone she wished to be with. She told me that we could be together. You would probably think by now that I'm a psychopath. Being easily lied and played by her. But no. A week after we parted ways, I asked her a simple question which most people would eventually forget about. To my surprise she still remembers every details of us. Well in my debate, if I didn't seem to  be important to her, she would eventually forget everything we have spoken about but how come she still remembers it ?

I know it is naive for me to use this excuse to fall in love with her. But falling in love is the only way to forget all the hurt that I've been through. Now that we are hundred miles apart, I miss her a lot. I miss the way she touched me, the way she gazed into my eyes, the way she treated me, the way smiled beautifully at me and how she gave me hope again. I would do anything to be with her again, anything to just feel her in my hands again, just holding her tightly and caressing her beautiful body.

If only life and fate would bring us together again. If only there was a solution to every heart break. If only love would means everything. If only pain would be a simple cut which could be cured by a medicated oil. If only love could bring two worlds together without any obstruction. If only, love meant everything.

311 will be remember for my every ups and down. One day, I will be with you again.

The Never Failing Love

It was at 1.35AM when you are fast asleep and the phone ringtone goes on and on again, being awaken by it, you reached out your arm to get it and you see it is your ex. You automatically pick it up because you want to hear her voice and you know that the urge in the heart would not go away if you don't pick it up. The moment you say "HI" the whole new journey starts.

I myself am not sure what is completely wrong with me. I have this thing where I always fall for my ex, however there are so many other guys trying to get her as well. She has fallen in love with a collegemate. A Chinese guy who is also rich and good looking I assume. She has started building new memories with him which is slowly erasing her memories with me. 

Being with her makes me a whole new person. She completes me, however I never complete her instead I have been a complete curse for her. I wish one day she will wake up and realize that the love for her was pure and sincere. Its been a shocking 2 years now that we have move on and I still have butterfly in my tummy whenever I think of her. She still gives me insomnia. People say if you have a dream, chase after it. My problem is that my dream is too far away and I have the least resources to get there. 

This time, I took her to a Thai restaurant, we ate and spoke a lot like how couples did and plan things as if we were going to get married to each another. I could see that joy in her, that happiness and the peace on her face. Her beauty emerges when she looks at you and just smiles endlessly. We then, set down by the river banks to just enjoy the scenery and to experience the moment of just seating comfortably with each another. During that moment, all the hurt just flew away and the only thing that was on my mind was to be thankful of the chance to spend sometime with her once again. 

Yes certainly I will be jealous that another guy can make her happy and will spend his time with her. He has taken over my role, has done it better than me, and has the opportunity of a life time. It is painful to see her leave me again and again. When will God put a stop to this and return her to me completely. If only I could wake up every morning having amnesia and then it would not be that hard to live my life. Waking up everyday and sleeping with the thought that another guy is making your girl happy isn't a nice feeling. It is painful. 

Then again, it is not us that set our own fate. It is God who determines where all this would slowly head towards. Our life is a sailor and God is our vessel. He will be the one protecting us from the choppy sea but it is how we determine the journey to be like. 

"Love, it has been a long time, I miss everything that we had, that secret journey to your house, that secret kisses and hugs along the walkway. I miss holding you in my arms like the pillow you hug every night. Love, please see that I'm in pain. Love, you are my pillar and strength. Without you I am so fragile and vulnerable. My empire without you is an open gate to the enemy."

Love yours truly. 

Where is God ?

Very often I cry myself to sleep. Waking up with the pillow soaked with tears from my eyes and with a huge eye bag in the morning. Even after crying myself to sleep I only get the maximum of 4 hours of sleep per day. Reasons to this tears comes from various reasons such as a bad relationship, broken family, friendships that aren't pure, financial and career wise. I've always dream't of having a perfect life, such as having a relationship with someone who would love me for who I am and would accepts my flaws and annoyingness, a life full with blessings and a life that goes according to plan. However it never felt a little bit like that. I still get cheated by girls who are just interested to fulfill their own needs and friends that use me just for their own benefits. Furthermore it is so hard to get a job with high racism in the country and the high unemployment rate in the country. I want to come out successful in life and would like to be able to be self-supportive and not to rely on my parents.

In the midst of all the issues I very often cry out to God asking him to help me! It says that if we cry out to him, he would listen to our prayers and to answer them. I've been asking for so many things but I've always been disappointed. The only way I know he is listening to my prayers is when I'm praying for others. However when it comes to myself I've never seen him answering my prayers regarding myself. I always find myself being lonely, in hurt, pain, regrets, and sorrow. God if you are listening to my prayers why aren't you answering my prayer? Why aren't you healing my pain? Why is justice not spoken? Why am I found to be in cross-roads? Why am I always being hurt? Why am I not moving in my life? WHERE ARE YOU GOD? In the midst of the storm you said to be still and know that he is God. I've been still for too long! Where are you? I need you to change my life and bring healing to me! I want to feel unconditional love! I want to feel worth! I want to feel heard!

To end this post I would like to share a youtube video...


Laura Story - blessings

A life far away from home, Liverpool.

It's almost three months now that I've been away from my home, Malaysia. I'm a complete stranger and alien in this land called Liverpool. However with the company of my course-mates, it feels a bit much more safer and comfortable. I've traveled thousands of miles to come and study on a short-term based semester. It wasn't an easy choice but somehow God has led me to this very point. He has been my provider throughout all this time and also my protector. The courses over here isn't that easy but with the help of God and my course-mates we pulled through together.  

Liverpool!! An awesome place. People here are great and friendly. You basically can just turn your head and start a conversation and they would just continue and continue speaking to you. It wouldn't be that weird to walk up to any random person and just start a conversation. The best part about liverpool is that everything is so calm and the atmosphere is just so different. The views and the sights from Albert Dock is just magnificent especially during the sun set. The weather over here sucks at times because it would start to rain when the weather seems to be fine and when you have a plan to be outdoor. However it taught us to rely very much on the accurate weather forecast. Unlike in Malaysia, we never really rely on the weather forecast because it always lie to us. So we would normally just use our instinct. 

Liverpool has also gave me the opportunity to try out a lot of new experience which I've always wanted to try back at home. It has come to my knowledge that there is so much more to experience and I should always live my life as if tomorrow isn't coming. Liverpool would always be the fondest memories abroad with my course-mates.   

LOVE

Many of us often fall in love and get attached to the 'other half ' so much so that we tend to become dependent on them and to trust them with all your heart. But what we tend to forget is that, very often we are led into an illusion or concept in which we call it LOVE! It is so beautiful when we are in love, everything seems perfect, nights are more romantic, every angle viewed are like from a romantic scene in which there are positive and comfort music playing as the background. Even the fights between the two love birds are so cute! Everything just seem to be amazing at that moment. They can be seating at a table facing each another without uttering a single word and yet the moment could be said as magical.

LOGICAL?

I would say yes but hold on a minute! That is only for a short period of time. In which maybe most to most 2 years at least. According to many studies done by psychologist and physiologist, it is due to several chemicals that are released in the brains that makes us feel in love and makes everything so beautiful. These chemicals would only last to the max of 2 years and after that the brain would need other stimulus to release those chemicals again. So very often people or couple tend to break up after 2 years of courtship and it is because they say that things have change, there is no more chemistry, the attraction is just not there anymore, and very often they have fallen for another person.  

So then what is LOVE?

Love is just Love! There is no specific answer from my perspective. When a person decides to be in love, they have to decide if they really want the relationship to work out or not and to stick together no matter what happens. Better people will appear but it is about just choosing who you would rather be with and to continue trusting. When you find a perfect love, stick and hang on unto it because a time will come when you will regret letting it go. Not everyone will love you the way that special one would love and give you their everything. Love is rare in nowadays context. Love is very often mistaken or replaced with the intention of having a hidden agenda such a sex, revenged, popularity or wealth. But in a true love relationship, you would not find a single hidden agenda behind it all. It is just so pure and yet sometimes you find it clueless as what the relationship would bring except happiness, joy and peace. Love is when you let go of someone and yet the person would find a thousand of reasons to come back and to be with you (not after going around having other partners and then coming back to you). Love is when a person respects you with everything they have, trust you, show kindness to you and always being there when you need them the most and at the least time. Of course human love might not be perfect because each of us have our very own flaws and do mistakes at times, but it is about accepting them and forgiving the mistakes done with the knowledge that they would not repeat it again. Love at the end of it have to be a mutual feelings and understanding of two souls and the in-depth search of who they are.

Do not take love for granted and do not misuse it because one day when you realize the value of love you would regret it.